El Kirko
by Connecticut Junkie
Summary: Summary: Kirk builds a machine that controls the weather- can the Gilmore Girls (with their trusty sidekicks, Luke and Jess) stop him in time? [VERY SILLY fic. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. More Fluff than a Fluffernutter.]
1. Chapter 1

Author: Connecticut Junkie

Title: El Kirko

Rating: PG

Summary: Kirk builds a machine that controls the weather- can the Gilmore Girls (with their trusty sidekicks, Luke and Jess) stop him in time? [VERY SILLY fic. Fluff. Fluff. Fluff. More Fluff than a Fluffernutter.]

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters, and the people who do would definitely never do this to them.

A/N: A friend and I were discussing how GG fics tended to be very similar in 'plot.' But that's to be expected, since the show is about its characters. It's not like there would be an episode where Kirk builds a weather machine and the town has to stop him.

Well, since I'm a little stuck on my Substitute fic, and on the other one I'm writing, the damn Evil Monkey of Ridiculous Ideas came hopping onto my back again. So I thought…hmm, maybe some purely silly fluffy writing will unblock me for the other stuff. Hence, a Kirk-Controls-The-Weather-Fic. Enjoy.

P.S. It's in script form b/c I'm a slacker and it takes me less than an hour to write the whole thing. Sorry about the formatting. Word=EVIL.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW- DAY

            Lorelai and Rory are heading for Luke's Diner. It's a beautiful day.

LORELAI

Ooh, did you hear that?

RORY

Was the wind whispering through the trees, 'Mary'?

LORELAI

                                                                            No.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            Did a bell ring, and now an angel has his wings?

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                   Wrong again.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            Then I give up.

LORELAI

It was the voice of Bono. Because…

She bursts into rock star mode.

 _It's a beautiful day!_

RORY

You promised not to sing in public anymore.

LORELAI

But it really is a beautiful day! The sun is shining…

RORY

The sun always shines. Even when we can't see it.

LORELAI

(ignoring her)

The birds are singing…

They both cock their heads and listen. There's only quiet.

LORELAI

(disappointed)

Damn birds. Are a few little chirps  
too much to ask for?

They continue down the street, Lorelai taking in the wonder of the day

RORY

Are you two seconds away from spinning around

and proclaiming how alive the hills are with

the sound of music?

LORELAI

(like Rory's crazy)

No.

(beat)

Three seconds.

RORY

This does not bode well

LORELAI

Two.

RORY

Maybe I can convince people you've 

just escaped from the looney bin and are following me around like a lost little puppy.

LORELAI

One.

RORY

Here it comes.

LORELAI

(as she spins)

_The hills are alive with the sound of-_

            They reach the diner, Rory opens the door, Lorelai spins inside.

                         LORELAI

_Coffee!_

Lorelai's spin almost smacks her into LUKE, who is holding a coffee pot and giving Lorelai a look.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            Coffee generally isn't known for its sound

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            But Lorelai is known for going 'yum' when

                                                            drinking coffee. Or sometimes 'mmm'. Or, if

                                                            it's really good Luke-made coffee, 'oh yeah baby

                                                            yes you're so good oooh.'

            Luke is turned on and wary at the same time.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            Okay, so maybe it does have a sound.

Lorelai and Rory sit at a table. Luke brings them coffee. Lorelai is still excited about the day, looking out the window.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            When was the last time you saw the sky that blue, huh?

                                                            Huh? Never, that's when. And look at that beautiful,

                                                            fluffy white cloud. It's like some rich lady's Bichon Frese

                                                            got mutated by radioactive Alpo and grew to the size

                                                            of a high-rise building, then was kicked by a giant mutated

                                                            mailman into the sky, where we can now gaze upon his 

                                                            big, white, fluffyness.

            Luke looks at Lorelai, then Rory.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            (shaking her head)

                                                            Don't even ask.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            The thought didn't even cross my mind.

CUT TO: Later, Lorelai and Rory happily munching away on burgers. A very loud clap of THUNDER startles them both.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        Gah!

            Lorelai drops her burger. Then looks down at the floor where the burger is. 

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        Waah!

            Rory also looks at the floor.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            There was only two bites left. It's not a 

                                                                        big deal.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            Says the girl who still has two bites left.

            Then she sees the view of the window, where RAIN is falling in a torrent.  
  


                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            The beautiful day went away.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            And won't come out to play.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            At least not today.

Luke wanders over with the coffee pot. Lorelai tries to take the whole thing from him, he nonchalantly keeps it away from her grasp.

                                                            LUKE

                                                Who died?

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Mr. Burger.

                                                            LUKE

                                                The old guy who owned one of those damn

                                                Unicorn stores?

He takes a step closer to the table, skids; he looks down and frowns.

                                                            LUKE

                                                Guess not.

                                                            RORY

                                                And now it's raining, when just three minutes  
                                                ago it was all sunshine and blue sky.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        (grumpy)

                                                            It's not even raining men.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                                        Hallelujah.

INT. LORELAI'S HOUSE- DAY

Lorelai and Rory are lounging on the couch, watching T.V. We can't see what they're watching.

                                                            RORY

                                                Here comes the best part.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                                        (excited)

                                                            It validates watching the rest of the movie.

Both lean forward in their seats, eager expressions on their faces. We start to hear dialogue from the movie. 

ANGLE TO: The back of Lorelai and Rory, so we can see the T.V. they are so intently watching and waiting for. On the T.V. Kevin Costner is climbing onto a horse.

                                                            LORELAI

He's the postman that has to ring more than   
twice because no one wants to answer   
the door to him.

            RORY

Shh. It's almost here.

            On cue, the little girl in the movie starts singing the Star Spangled Banner.

                                                                        LORELAI  
                                                            I think this is supposed to move me,   
                                                            and it does. To another country.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            I think I've lost all respect for America.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            And Kevin Costner.

                                                                        RORY

                                                            You still had respect for him? Even after 

                                                            Waterworld?

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                            Damn you! I had stricken the memory   
                                                            of that from my mind.

Rory has a retort, but a loud THUMP on the roof distracts her. They both look up at the roof.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Sweetie, why don't you go up there and tell

                                                Santa he's five months early.

                                                            RORY

                                                But what if he has presents?

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Forget about telling him.

Another THUMP is heard. And another. A bunch of THUMPS are now heard. Then a loud CRACK against the window. 

                                                            RORY

                                                Santa seems aggressive this year.

They head over to the window and look outside. Large balls of HAIL are falling. 

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Ooh! Unprocessed snow-cones!

                                                            RORY 

                                                Truly a gift from nature.

They return to the couch.

                                                            LORELAI

                                                Man, the weather totally sucks this week. That freak  
                                                rainstorm, and now this freak hail. Oh my god! What   
                                                if this is all Kevin Costner's doing, and he's trying to  
                                                flood the world so it _will be all Waterworld__-ian?_

                                                            RORY

                                                I don't think he's smart enough to control the weather.

INT. A DARK ROOM

A shadowy figure is hunched over a large machine apparatus, laughing maniacally.

                                                            MAN

I did it! I am so smart! Finally, I can control   
the weather! 

The man laughs harder, so hard in fact, that he must sit in a chair, holding his stomach where it hurts from laughing so hard. His face is now visible by a convenient pool of light, and we see that he is none other than…

                                                                        KIRK

                                                                        Ow.

Kirk rubs his stomach.

EXT. STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE- DAY     

The square is decorated for another festival. Lorelai and Rory are standing around, partaking of the festivities.                                                                                                                                  

                                                LORELAI

                                    So, would this be your favorite town festival?

                                                RORY

                                                  No.

                                                LORELAI

                                    This one is pretty lame.

The camera pans over to show a sign, reading STARS HOLLOW ANNUAL LEMONADE FAIR.

                                                RORY

                                    I don't have anything against lemons…

                                                LORELAI

                                    But…

                                                RORY

                                    But having teams of children make lemonade, then  
                                    sell it to raise money for their school is just so…

                                                LORELAI

                                                Lame?

                                                RORY

                                    I was going to say, 'sticky.'

ANGLE TO: A table full of children, using their dirty children hands to squeeze lemons and pour sugar, getting sugar everywhere.

                                                LORELAI

                                    I can't believe they expect us to buy it.

                                                RORY

                                    I can't believe they expect us to drink it.

                                                LORELAI

                                                (noticing something O.S.)

                                    I can't believe Luke came.

                                                LUKE (O.S.)

                                    I thought I'd find you two here.

Luke joins them in watching the children make a big mess.

                                                LORELAI

                                    Brains and brawn; how do you fend off the ladies?

                                                RORY

                                    Maybe he emits an off-putting pheromone.

                                                LORELAI

                                    (leaning over to get a whiff of Luke)

                                    Nope. Just burgers and coffee.

                                                RORY

                                    Careful, she might try to mate.

                                                LUKE

                                    Thanks for the warning.

CUT TO: TAYLOR banging his gavel on the podium by the gazebo.

                                                LORELAI

                                    Do you think they make exploding prank gavels,  
                                    like exploding prank golf balls?

ANGLE TO: TAYLOR, who is looking pleased as punch.

TAYLOR

Attention, everyone. I am just as pleased  
               as punch to announce that the Second grade  
                has raised enough money to purchase  
             new recorders! 

                        Taylor claps, the general audience follows suit. 

                        ANGLE TO: Luke, Lorelai, and Rory, who are far less enthusiastic.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            Recorders? Those stupid tiny piano things that are  
                                                            made for tiny shrunken pianists and have  
                                                            the gross, plastic tube that does nothing  
                                                            but collect spit?

                                                                        RORY

                                                                        Yep.

                                                                        LORELAI

                                                                        (giggling)

                                                              "Tiny shrunken pianist."

            JESS

            (O.S.)

Who has a tiny shrunken penis? 

                        JESS walks into the frame, and gives Luke a sad look.

                                                                        JESS

                                                            Boy, am I glad that doesn't run in the family.

            LORELAI

PIANIST. The guy who plays the piano.

            LUKE

If you're here, then who's watching the diner?

            JESS

         (shrugs)

God. I hear he watches over everything. Very nosy.

                                                                        LUKE

                                                            I never should have left you alone.

Luke turns to go. 

                                                JESS

                                                (sighing)

                                    Caesar's shift started. The precious  
                                                diner is fine.

                                                LUKE

                                    You could still stick around to help him out.

                                                JESS

                                        (looking at Rory)

                                    I like lemonade.

Lorelai frowns. Any further fun is interrupted by the falling of   
            white stuff from the sky.

                                                LUKE

                                    What the hell?

Luke brushes SNOWFLAKES from his shoulder.

                                                JESS

                                    I take it that's not the Head and Shoulders side.

                                                RORY

                                    This is weird.

                                                LORELAI

                                    This is X-Files weird.

Both Lorelai and Rory look at Luke, then exchange glances.

                                                LORELAI and RORY

                                    It's so Outer Limits-y.

                                                LUKE

                                    How long have you two been waiting to say that?

                                                RORY

                                    Feels like years.

ANGLE TO: A long shot, showing Rory, Jess, Luke, and Lorelai standing among            
            equally confused Stars Hollow residents. The SNOW is falling even heavier.

                        ANGLE TO: TAYLOR, banging his gavel on the podium.

                                                                        TAYLOR

                                                            What is going on? It doesn't snow in September! 

                                                                  (eyes narrowing)

                                                                        YOU!

                        Taylor points his gavel. The camera pans to where it's pointing.

                                                                        JESS

                                                               (shouting across the square)

                                                            What? You think I control the weather now? 

*                      *                      *

Yes, I am fully aware this would never ever ever happen on the show. G


	2. Chapter 2

INT. LUKE'S DINER- NIGHT  
  
  
LORELAI, RORY, and SOOKIE are eating.

  
  
SOOKIE  
It was so weird. I looked on the Weather Channel  
and it didn't say anything about snow. Not a single word.   
But I learned some interesting stuff. Did you know  
that tornadoes are formed when hot moist air collides with  
really cold air, and it makes a super cell'- that's the meteorologist  
slang, super cell'  
  


Lorelai holds up her hand  


LORELAI  
Whoa, calm down there. We've all seen that  
Twister movie.

  


SOOKIE  
Sorry. But it IS weird, isn't it?  


RORY  
Completely.  


LORELAI  
At least we haven't had tornadoes.  


EXT. OUTSIDE LUKE'S DINER- NIGHT

  
LUKE and JESS are tackling the exciting task of putting out the garbage.

  


JESS  
Do you hear that?  


LUKE  
Yeah, it's the sound of slacker.  


JESS  
More like an ominous roaring sound.  


LUKE  
You think a tiger escaped from the circus?  


JESS  
I can only hope it finds Taylor soon.  


LUKE  
Hope is a good thing.  


Random pieces of garbage that are strewn in the alley begin moving, swirling around  
and catching in the air.  


LUKE  
What the hell?  


JESS  
Uh... It might be good to run.  


Jess points down the alley. ANGLE TO: A good size TORNADO, bearing down on them. They drop   
the garbage and run back to the back door of the diner, but the tornado catches them. They struggle with   
the door, Luke's hat flies away. Luke and Jess disappear as the tornado gets stronger.  


INT. LUKE'S DINER- NIGHT

  


LORELAI  
Do you hear something?

  


SOOKIE  
It sounds a little windy outside.

  


There is a loud BANG followed by some CLATTERS, then LUKE and JESS stumble into the diner. Jess's shirt is   
ripped to shreds, so he's basically bare chested. Luke's flannel and cap are gone.  


LORELAI  
Whoa. No one told me Tuesday night was   
Stripper Night!

LUKE  
There was a tornado.

JESS  
We decided to inherit the wind.

RORY  
It's your fault, Mom! You jinxed them.

LORELAI  
(frowning)  
It is. I did make that tornado comment.

LUKE  
Did you make the tornado too?

LORELAI  
Yeah, because I can control the weather.

Her words weigh heavy and there is silence for a few beats.

SOOKIE  
This may sound a little crazy, but.

LORELAI  
Do you think

RORY  
That someone's controlling the weather?

LUKE  
That's ridiculous.

JESS  
It might explain the strange occurrences.  
(beat)  
Although maybe not, considering the town.  
Some people might think seven shops about  
unicorns is strange.

The bell over the door JINGLES. MISS PATTY rushes in.

MISS PATTY  
I saw a tornado! Is everyone alright?

She finally notices shirt-less Jess and flannel-less Luke.

MISS PATTY  
Oh, I see everyone is FINE.

Patty winks at Luke and Jess

.

LORELAI  
The tornado's gotten Luke to do what  
no woman could get him to do: Remove  
the flannel.

LUKE  
I'm glad my traumatic experience  
amuses you.

LORELAI  
(ignoring the sarcasm)  
Great! Then we're all happy.

JESS  
(sarcastically- what else?)  
Sorry to interrupt the banter, but what  
about this whole weather thing? 

SOOKIE  
Maybe there's a mad scientist  
who wants to take over the world so  
he- or she, I guess mad scientists could  
be women- built a weather machine.

RORY  
Oh! There was this one episode of X-Files where  
some guy unconsciously created weather because of the   
feelings he had for a woman he unrequitedly loved.  
  


LORELAI  
Yes! The episode where Scully hints  
at having feelings for Mulder! And some guy  
only had one leg!

MISS PATTY  
Luke, your feelings aren't creating   
the weather are they?

LUKE  
I don't know what you're talking about.

JESS  
She's talking about you jonesing on Lorelai.

SOOKIE  
Wow. I always thought that would be revealed  
in a much more romantic way.

LUKE  
Nothing is being revealed!

LORELAI  
(trying to act cool)  
Except your undershirt.

RORY  
And Jess's bare chest.

JESS  
I feel like a piece of meat.

MISS PATTY  
(to herself)  
I could just eat him up  


LORELAI  
Here, Patty, wipe your chin.

Lorelai hands Patty a napkin. Patty rolls her eyes.

LUKE  
Since I'd desperately like to get back  
to the matter at hand- Who's smart enough  
to build a weather machine?

SOOKIE  
Rory's smart. It's not you, is it?

RORY  
Nope.  


LORELAI  
Unless she went all schitzo and it's one of her  
multiple personalities.

LUKE  
I don't think she's the one with multiple personalities.

MISS PATTY  
You know, now that I think about it, I haven't seen   
Kirk in a few days  


  
JESS  
That freak's smart enough to build a weather  
machine?

  


RORY  
He does watch a lot of Star Trek.

LORELAI  
And we all know how warped  
those Trek geeks are. 

Lorelai pokes Luke with her finger.

LUKE  
Careful, or your coffee may be lost  
in a transporter accident.

Lorelai stops poking him, and pets his shoulder instead.

LORELAI  
You wouldn't do that would you? Not to little   
ol' me?

JESS  
(under his breath)  
Jesus. Just have sex already.

MISS PATTY  
Amen to that.

RORY  
So, should we try to find Kirk?

LORELAI  
Even if he's not responsible, we could  
have so much fun interrogating him!

They exit the diner as a group.

  
  


EXT. STARS HOLLOW TOWN SQUARE- NIGHT

SOOKIE, LORELAI, RORY, JESS, LUKE, and MISS PATTY exit the diner, running into LANE.

LANE  
Hey! Is there a big party I wasn't invited to?

RORY  
Well, we tried but your mother pulled out the bible.

LORELAI  
We think someone invented a weather machine.  
(beat)  
Okay, that sounded really silly just now.

LUKE  
No sillier than what you usually say.

LANE  
A weather machine?  
  


RORY  
Yep. Maybe next week will be a  
time machine.

LORELAI  
That would be so cool! 

JESS  
Would be handy.

LUKE  
Don't even get any ideas.

MISS PATTY  
(dreamily)  
I could send him back to when I was a  
younger and thinner.

Jess shudders.

LORELAI  
(to Lane)  
Have you seen Kirk?

LANE  
Not since two weeks ago. Of course,  
that might be because my mom hasn't  
let me out of the house in two weeks.

RORY  
What horrible deed did you do this time?

LANE  
Oh, it wasn't me. Actually, it was none  
other than Kirk. We were at Doose's  
and he asked me when I turned   
eighteen and my mom heard and   
after she recovered from her stroke yelled  
at him, You can only date my daughter  
when it snows in September!  
(beat)  
Oh no. Does this mean I have to date Kirk?


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks to all of you guys who reviewed. I expected maybe three reviews total, all of which went: 'Wow, you are a ridiculous  
freak. Go to hell and stop writing this crap!' So thanks for not meeting my expectations G

And no one could be more excited by the vast amounts of Kirky-ness in the past two episodes this season than me. I shrieked like a fifteen-year old girl outside TRL when I saw him in the opening credits. Hey, if I couldn't get Luke, I'd go to dinner with Kirk. Lorelai doesn't know what she's missing.

EXT. OUTSIDE KIRK'S PLACE- NIGHT

JESS  
Twenty seven and he lives with his parents.  
I'd bet all the toys in Santa's sack there's a full set of Star Trek  
action figures in the basement.

LUKE  
(defensive)  
Star Trek's not just for geeks and weirdos.

LORELAI  
Looks like Jess is poking a sore spot.

RORY  
(to Jess)  
A little birdie told us Luke was a trekkie.

LUKE  
That was a long time ago!

JESS  
Why am I not surprised.

SOOKIE  
Can we please focus? 

LORELAI  
Oh, right. Kirk, weather, machine, gotcha. And  
now, we'll get him.

RORY  
Someone should hum the theme music.

LUKE  
We need a plan.

LORELAI  
Too bad that Marshall guy isn't here.

LUKE  
We can't just barge in there and demand  
he stop using his weather machine.

LORELAI  
Sure we can.

JESS  
How bout you guys barge in there,  
and I'll head over to the liquor store.

MISS PATTY  
I like his plan.

LUKE  
Buying or robbing?

JESS  
Whatever I feel like in the moment.

LORELAI  
Hey, boys against girls!

LUKE  
You will be explaining that, right?

LORELAI  
All us girls will go the direct  
way, and distract Kirk, while   
the boys- that would be you and Jess-  
sneak in and dismantle the machine.

RORY  
Assuming that Kirk is the one behind this.

LUKE  
Jess, you up to sneaking?

JESS  
Whatever.

LUKE  
That's teenage for 'yes.' So how are you going to   
distract him?

MISS PATTY  
We women have our ways.

RORY  
Oh, ew. This is Kirk.

LORELAI  
Why couldn't Gabriel Byrne   
build a weather machine?

JESS  
Gabriel Byrne?

SOOKIE  
She has a thing for him in that 'Stigmata' movie.  


RORY  
It's the priest outfit, I suspect.

LORELAI  
Hey, if he were the priest, I'd  
go to church.   


MISS PATTY  
I'd like to take of his flesh.

LUKE  
(impatient)  
Are we doing this or not?

LORELAI  
Fine. Let's go, ladies.

LUKE  
Be careful.

LORELAI  
Whatever.

Lorelai, Sookie, Patty, and Rory head for the door. Jess and Luke sneak off around the back of the house.

Lorelai rings the bell. 

LORELAI  
That little rat better be here.

The door opens, KIRK'S MOM is standing there. She is in her late sixties, and looks like she's popped out 12 kids. (In other words, she's PLUMP).

LORELAI  
(bubbly)  
Hi! We're here to see Kirk!

RORY  
(bubbly)  
We're his friends.

KIRK'S MOM  
Oh, it's such a relief to see   
that he's made friends! And pretty   
female ones at that. Maybe he'll  
be moving out of the basement soon.

SOOKIE  
Can we come in and um, visit?

KIRK'S MOM  
Of course! Would you like some   
cookies?

LORELAI  
Yes!  


RORY  
No thank you.

Rory nudges Lorelai, to remind her that they have a job to do.

LORELAI  
(grumbling)  
No thanks.

INT. KIRK'S HOUSE- NIGHT

KIRK'S MOM leads them down the hallway to a door. 

KIRK'S MOM  
Just go down the stairs, but be   
careful, sometimes they're slippery.  


LORELAI  
(sotto voce to Rory)  
I don't want to know why.

SOOKIE, LORELAI, RORY, and MISS PATTY start down the stairs.

MISS PATTY  
(loudly)  
Yoo hoo, Kirk?

SOOKIE  
Shouldn't we be more stealthy?

LORELAI  
Let's do the Mission: Impossible  
thing.

RORY  
You mean where I rip my  
face off to reveal I'm really  
Tom Cruise?

MISS PATTY  
Now that would just be delicious.

INT. KIRK'S BASEMENT

They reach the bottom of the stairs and look around the dark basement. There is a large, dark curtain at one end.

SOOKIE  
So, anyone see Kirk?

LORELAI  
Let's see what's lurking behind  
that curtain!

LORELAI  
(as she grasps the curtain)  
The villains always hide behind curtains.  


LORELAI pulls the curtain aside to reveal KIRK, hunched over a large machine, blinking with multi-colored lights.

RORY  
I didn't know the original Star Trek  
sets were still around.

KIRK  
How did you find me!

SOOKIE  
You live here.

KIRK  
Oh. Yeah.  
(scratches his head)  
Well then, how did you know  
it was me?

LORELAI  
Oh, no. We're not falling for that.

MISS PATTY  
Falling for what, honey?

LORELAI  
The old, "how did you know it  
was me?" Because the villain  
always says that, and then when  
the heroes-

RORY  
We're heroes?

LORELAI  
Yes, we can be heroes. But just  
for one day. Anyhow, while the heroes  
explain, the villain takes that time to   
attack them, or run away.

SOOKIE  
Uh, Lorelai?

LORELAI  
What?

SOOKIE  
Kirk ran away.

KIRK is racing up the stairs. 

LORELAI  
Get him!

KIRK  
(over his shoulder)  
You can't catch- aah!

KIRK trips, stumbles, and falls down the stairs, landing at their feet.

RORY  
I did that with my mind.

SOOKIE  
(excited)  
Really?

RORY  
No.

Suddenly, there is a CRASH and the sound of BREAKING GLASS. The group turn to look at one of the small basement windows. JESS, who is still shirtless, slides in through it.

JESS  
I see you caught him.

LORELAI  
Were's Luke?

JESS  
His tubby self couldn't fit through the window.

The basement door opens, LUKE walks in. 

LUKE  
Everyone okay?

A chorus of 'we're fine' rises from the women. A maniacal giggle interrupts them. KIRK has run back to his machine.

KIRK  
You can't stop me now! I built  
this machine, I made it snow in September,  
and now Mrs. Kim will let me date Lane!

LUKE advances toward KIRK.

LUKE  
Kirk, quit it. This is the stupidest  
thing you've ever done. And trust me,  
you've done some stupid things.

KIRK  
It's not stupid, it's brilliant! I   
can control the weather! And right  
now, I can strike you down with  
a bolt of lightning!

KIRK pushes a button on the machine. Nothing happens. He pushes it again. Again, nothing.

KIRK  
(Dejected)  
Damn. I forgot that I hadn't  
figured out the lightning bolt  
thing.

LUKE  
Either you give up now, or   
you're gonna get it.

LORELAI  
(to the girls)  
Ooh, tough guy Luke. I like it.

MISS PATTY  
I'm with you on that.

SOOKIE  
Even I find myself attracted to him.

JESS  
(sarcastically)  
Me too.

LUKE grabs KIRK by the collar of his shirt. KIRK tries to fight back, his hand tangling in LUKE'S SHIRT, which RIPS and falls off.

MISS PATTY  
Now this I like.

SOOKIE  
I don't know. It just seems so...

RORY  
Gratuitous?

SOOKIE  
Yeah.

LORELAI  
I'm not complaining.

LUKE is still half-heartedly fending off KIRK's attacks. Finally, KIRK begins to tire out. 

LUKE  
Don't make me hurt you.

KIRK faints. JESS grabs a nearby baseball bat and bashes the machine.

JESS  
Man, I like fighting crime.

The group takes in the scene; unconscious Kirk, destroyed weather machine, shirtless men.

LORELAI  
I pose a collective, "Now What?"

SOOKIE  
We can't give Kirk to the police.

LUKE  
Why not?

SOOKIE  
Well, just look at him. He's so   
fragile; and he only did it so  
he could go on a date.

RORY  
But he should still be punished  
somehow.

LORELAI  
Yeah, we need the moral ending.

There's a noise at the top of the stairs. KIRK'S MOM is coming down them. 

KIRK'S MOM  
What's all the ruckus?

JESS  
Wow, haven't heard that word in a while.

KIRK is groaning, regaining consciousness. The gang all think of a reply.

MISS PATTY  
(shrugs her shoulders)  
We were rehearsing a play?

KIRK'S MOM doesn't buy it, and sees the destroyed machine.

KIRK'S MOM  
Kirk Alison McClane, how dare you build   
another one of your contraptions!   
I've told you a thousand times  
that I don't want you tinkering around  
in my basement!

LORELAI  
(giggles)  
Alison.

KIRK  
(groggy)  
But it was for a girlfriend.

KIRK'S MOM  
You find yourself a girl the normal  
way, you hear me? None of this  
machine nonsense. Honestly, I   
don't know what you're thinking sometimes!  
Young man, you are grounded. For an entire  
month!

LUKE  
Looks like he got punished after all.

LORELAI  
Everything wraps up nicely, doesn't it?

RORY  
Just like in Scooby Doo.

JESS  
Please don't call me Shaggy.

SOOKIE  
Ooh, I get to be Velma!

KIRK'S MOM  
(sweetly)  
I'm sorry, but Kirk can't  
have friends over. He's grounded.

LORELAI  
We understand.

The group exit, KIRK'S MOM now muttering to Kirk about knowing better.

EXT. STREET- NIGHT

LORELAI  
Again, I'm asking "Now what?"

MISS PATTY  
I'm going straight for my  
telephone. 

MISS PATTY walks away.

SOOKIE  
Yeah, I need to tell Jackson  
all about this! He's going to flip out.

SOOKIE also heads home.

LORELAI  
We should celebrate.

LUKE  
No.

LORELAI  
Yes.

RORY  
I agree.

LUKE  
You just want coffee.

JESS  
Not another coffee banter.  
It's old. Find a new routine.

LUKE heads down the street to the diner, LORELAI following right behind him. JESS and RORY follow too, but farther behind.

LORELAI  
Come on Luke, we defeated   
an evil villain. We so deserve coffee!

RORY  
(calling out)  
And donuts!

LORELAI  
Yeah, and donuts! We did   
police-like activities, so we  
deserve police-like food.

LUKE  
I did all the work. And I've got two  
ruined shirts to prove it.

LORELAI runs her hands over LUKE's bare arm.

LORELAI  
Ooh, nice. You know what's really sexy?  
Pouring coffee without a shirt on. Mmm, yeah.  
Give Momma a taste.

LUKE  
You disturb me on so many levels.

They reach the DINER. LUKE starts a pot of COFFEE.

LORELAI  
Yay! You are the best  
and I love you!

LUKE blushes and looks away.

LORELAI  
Shall we sing coffee songs to pass the time?

RORY  
I don't sing in public.

LUKE  
Smart kid.

LORELAI  
Fine, I'll do it myself.  
(sings)  
Chock full o' Nuts is that heavenly coffee,   
better coffee a millionaire's money can't buy!

RORY claps. LUKE rolls his eyes and gives LORELAI a donut.

LUKE  
Stuff your mouth with this.

LORELAI  
(eating donut)  
Mmm. Donut.  
(sings with mouth full)  
The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cup.

RORY  
I dare you to do the entire  
Folgers song.  
  
LORELAI  
Which one?  
  
RORY  
Hmm..the Rockapella one

LORELAI  
Easy.

JESS  
(sarcastic)  
Yeah, do it Rockapella.

LUKE  
I will give you anything if you just STOP SINGING.

LORELAI  
(swallows donut)  
Sorry.  
(sings)  
Every day I wake up , pour myself a cup   
Of that rich Folgers aroma   
The best part of waking up. It's the doo-wop doo-wop in all I do   
The mountain grown aroma always comin' through.   
Oh the best part of wakin' up is Folgers in your cup.

LUKE  
Here's another donut. Now will you shut up?

LORELAI  
No guarantees.

RORY  
Actually, Mom, Rockapella did two Folgers songs.

LORELAI  
(Drops donut)  
You're right! How did that other one go...something  
about a Christmas tree...

JESS  
Luke, if you don't stop her, I will.

LORELAI  
(oblivious to the threats)  
Oh, I remember it now.  
(Sings)  
When the world's all cloaked in white   
Wakin' up to see the perfect sight   
Folgers warmin' each heart   
Mountain grown aroma-

LUKE  
You leave me no choice.  


LUKE kisses her. LORELAI is surprised, but kisses him back.

LORELAI  
I think I like this crime-fighting thing.

THE END

I think I lost some brain cells near the end. I actually had to GO to Rockapella's website to find those lyrics- the only Folgers ones I could remember from heart was the Irish dancer commercial. Unfortunately, I now have the Where in the World is Carmen SanDiego song in my head.


End file.
